Every so often, I’d like to take some time to answer any questions my listening friends might have. I’d love to answer pastoral and practical questions, but I’m open to any biblical or theological questions as well. This week, someone sent me a screen capture image of a prayer she received in her daily devotion from (gasp!) another online devotional (how dare her!). Here’s the prayer that bothered her so:
“Heavenly Father, keep our hearts soft and tender toward one another. Help us release irritations quickly before they harden into resentment. Give us the wisdom to forgive preemptively, extending grace before wounds deepen. Teach us to guard our hearts against bitterness.”
My dear friend texted me after reading this and asked: “Okay, question: How do you do this and balance not getting taken advantage of? I know I’ve let people do that because I’ve been ‘too’ forgiving and now I’m worn plum out and just don’t want to anymore. This one really spoke to me because I actually prayed about trying to not be mad, resentful, and hurt this morning as I have many times.”
So, to my friend, this is a fantastic question and one that bears some consideration. Forgiveness is hard enough, but preemptive forgiveness?
First, before we get into the meat of my answer, let me just say this: It took me a bit to truly understand what the writer of that prayer was saying. Not having read the the full devotion to see the prayer’s context, I thought they were suggesting ‘preemptive’ meant forgiving someone before they’d even had a chance to do us wrong. Which was weird to me because it assumed someone was going to do us wrong to begin with and that’s no way to live at all. Furthermore, such an attitude does a disservice to the transforming power of Christ in a regenerate heart. So, like a good scholar, I thought it best to take a look at the actual passage the devotional prayer was referring to and asked my friend to send me the whole devotion.
Here’s the verse:
Ephesians 4:32 (ESV) - “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
Ah! Great verse! And now, I understood. I realized what it’s saying. It’s saying that we should forgive before even being asked to forgive. To forgive without an apology. To forgive for Christ’s sake, not just for the sake of the one doing us wrong. In this, I wholeheartedly agree. But there’s some nuances I think we should discuss in order to paint of a picture of what that looks like or how it’s done.
But it’s only one verse, and what do we always say here at 4N6 Ministries? Using a single verse to teach a biblical doctrine is never a good idea. We need more context. So, let’s expand it a bit:
“25 Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. 26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the devil. 28 Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. 29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” ~ Ephesians 4:25-32 (ESV).
Ah! That’s better isn’t it? It gives context to that one verse and fills in some gaps that helps us better understand how to carry that prayer out in our lives. The full passage itself easily holds the answer to my friend’s question. Can anyone guess what that answer is? I’ll wait a moment to let you ponder…
Ready for the answer? Take a look at verse 26a (‘Be angry and do not sin.’)
The way the devotional prayer is worded, it would lead one to believe we should be chipper and happy all the time, despite the pain someone inflicts on us. All one has to do is look at David…a man the Bible says was “after God’s own heart” to see how ridiculous this notion is. How many Psalms are written by David concerning his enemies? Often, he would ask God for justice against them. Sometimes, he asked for more than simple justice…the shepherd-turned-king was seeking outright vengeance. Thankfully, by the end of these same Psalms, he always seems to calm down and just ask for justice rather than the alternative. Or rather, he ends up seeking God’s will for David’s enemies.
Even Jesus didn’t act in a manner the devotional prayer implies. Despite popular opinion, Jesus got angry. He became disappointed. He was hurt emotionally. Point is, there is nothing sinful about being angry.
So, be angry…for an appropriate time, that is. Anger is a natural human emotion. We shouldn’t suppress those emotions for the sake of some ridiculous sense of piety. The Bible allows for anger. The key is the second part of that sentence: “…and do not sin.” We’re allowed to be angry, but we can’t allow that anger to dictate our reaction. Our response. In our anger, the propensity is to lash out. To attack. The seek retribution. And when there’s no immediate outlet for that anger, we store it up within ourselves and let it boil.
Doing these things is to place our own pain and discomfort over that of others. I’d say the key essential to “being a Christian” we all need to learn is that we are to put others ahead of ourselves. Philippians 2:1-11 speaks of this, but let me focus in on a couple of verses from that passage: “3 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
Going back to the original passage of Ephesians 4, Paul helps us out further by giving us instructions on ‘how to be angry without sinning’ by stating the following things:
1) “…do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the devil.” (Verses 26b-27) - Essentially, if you’ve been given cause for anger, don’t go to sleep without TRYING to resolve the issue with the one who sinned against you. Go to them. Talk to them. Tell them how you feel and how they’ve hurt you. Make an attempt to resolve those issues so that Satan can’t use it to further drive a wedge between you.
2) “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” (Verse 29) - Are you passive aggressive? Do you hold things in, but complain about what’s troubling you to others? Do you talk bad about the people that have hurt you? This has to stop. If you can’t resolve the conflict with the individual as discussed in point one, purge it from your system. Forgive, even if they didn’t ask for forgiveness and if you struggle with doing that, ask God to remove it from you. He will. I often get angry without drivers around me on the street. I want to yell at them. Growl at them. Even cuss at them. Instead, I pray to God, “Lord, help me to love these people.” And before I’m even through with the sentence, I’m usually smiling at my silliness regarding the whole thing and a sense of love washes over me for the idiotic drivers around me. So, if you’ve have to bad mouth someone, bad mouth them to God. He’ll take care of the rest for you.
3) And finally: “31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” - I think this is pretty self-explanatory, but if it’s not, check out point two. I pretty much covered this on that one too.
So, friends, this is how we live in a spirit of forgiveness…even when no apology is forthcoming from the wrongdoer. And to my friend and her original question…specifically about being taken advantage of…this, I’m sorry to say, is something we can’t worry about. We will be taken advantage of. But that’s between them and God. You’re only responsible for your response to such moments. Remember what I pointed out from the passage in Philippians 2: “…in humility count others more significant than yourselves.” John the Baptist put it this way: “I must decrease and He must increase.” Our pains are only temporary. Momentary. Our rewards are eternal!
Let’s Pray
Father God, help us to rightly forgive. Help us, Lord, to learn how to be angry, yet not sin in our anger. Give us strength to forgive and take away any animosity we might struggle to hold onto. Help us each day to become more and more like Jesus. Amen.
